The Other Side of Healing

There are, of course, other dimensions to the hospital story (below), that I haven't mentioned, and that is the story of Weston, the man, as opposed to Weston, the probable patient, with whom institutions deal.

The thoughts that I had written in the early hours on Monday, thoughts I had intended to read to my father, begins with the words:

"There are three aspects to healing

Physical
Mental
Spiritual.

The hospitals tend to focus primarily on the physical. Dad’s healing ability is clearly spiritual"

I have known this for a long time, having lived with my father, and sharing many interests and philosophies, and having been witness to my father's ability to deal with other encounters of medical crisis and medical institutions.

My father told me of an experience he had during his stay at Maine Medical Hospital, during the time, when, the medical staff was anticipating that Dad might not survive. Dad described it as an "hallucination" and qualified that by saying he believes it was real, by which, I believe, he means that he believes the people of his experience exist somewhere in this Here and Now world.

In a very simple room, Dad was laid out, very formally, on a bed by half or a dozen, or so, "monks", the monks were from Santa Anita, California, and were dressed in simple clothing of earthen color. Later Dad described them as being very tall with severe haircuts, and possibly American Indians.

My internet research revealed that there exists a Santa Ana Indian tribe in Santa Ana, California, that are related to the Pueblo Indians in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I received word from a Seneca Indian, that the experience Dad described is common to those who have been through near-death experiences

I spoke to my father, this evening. His spirit sounded low, which is not surprising being that the situation surrounding the attempt to move him into the Gregory Wing has distressed all of us much healthier people, I can only imagine how it affects Dad. My sister Christine read my written thoughts to Dad. He said he was awake all night thinking about things that I had said, and would like me to visit him tomorrow for as long as I am able, to talk or just sit with him.

Let it be said, that, like all daughters and fathers, I feel a connection with my father that is unique to our relationship. I believe our connection has to do with healing energy, or "modalities" as it is often described. Dad said the hospital was concerned that his energy level is so low.

I have no training in any method of healing, but I have always healed myself, while avoiding doctors, medical institutions, and medications.

Last summer, I went swimming in the ocean on August 27, the day that Mars was the closest to earth than it has been in 250 years. I swam for half an hour to forty-five minutes in the ocean waters at Ocean Point in East Boothbay. There is a small shore surrounded by a dramatic rocky coastline. I like to come out of the water in such a manner that I am lying on the rocks with the waves gently rocking me back and forth. It was lower tide than usual so this meant I had to eventually step over rocks that are covered with seaweed, which I did with care, but as soon as I stepped on the first rock that was not covered with seaweed, I slipped. I used my right hand to brace my fall against the rocks. I felt an executable pain in my wrist, and I dealt with in my own self styled method of pain relief, which is to focus on the throbbing vibration of the pain. Once I focus on feeling the rhythm of the pain, the rhythm takes on a soothing effect and then fades away. This process took about two minutes and I looked down at my wrist, which was quite deformed, and I thought, since it doesn't hurt, I must have merely sprained it, but others talked me into going into the emergency room.

The hospital staff was taken aback when I told them that I do not have a primary doctor and I am not on any medications. I was asked how much pain I felt on a scale of one to ten, and I said “five”. Several of the hospital staff asked if I was a stoic, but I am not a stoic, because I did not feel pain, just a slight discomfort.

After surgery, I visited a therapist who indicated that it would take up to eighteen months for my wrist to heal and that it could be a back and forth process, taking a few steps forward and a few steps back. I didn’t listen to him, and thought instead that my wrist is going to heal much faster than that.

I was instructed to wear a brace, except when bathing and doing the therapy exercises, but on my second checkup, I asked why I was supposed to wear the brace, and was told it was to help reduce the pain. I could try taking it off but to put it on again if it is painful. I went home and took the brace off and never used it again.

In my next visit I had another x-ray. The technician looked a bit bewildered as to why I was having an x-ray until she observed the scar and realized that I had had surgery. The surgeon noticed that I was absent a twenty-degree outward turn on my wrist and measured the angle. He told me to do some exercises and made an appointment in a couple of weeks, in which he said, he would measure it again.

I did the exercises as instructed and in a day the twenty-degree turn was almost completely restored. When I returned for the next visit, the therapist asked to see my wrist movement, and said "Wow!” concluding that I would not be requiring additional therapy.

My personal understanding and beliefs pertaining to healing is an unverifiable art and a product of my own creation, but subjective knowledge has historical roots in Gnosticism, which is "knowing" that is directly experienced. Esoteric science is based in "experience and observation' and so can be described as a "subjective" science. Orthodox science is an objective science based in experiments and observation that are repeatable by anyone. The discipline used in the esoteric sciences can be described as a discipline of faith.

I believe that there is a value to each form of science, but at times the process of one can create interference to the process of the other, and that this interference is taking place in my father's treatment. While St Andrew's hospital provides valuable resources, it has not been a nurturing environment to my father's subjective healing abilities.

When he had been in St Andrews for four days, there was a meeting called in his room between the hospital staff and family. The meeting dragged on for far too long and went into lengthy exploration of all the hypothetical circumstances that my father might find himself in, including financial discussions about his insurance and discussions about having my father moved to a nursing home. In my view, those engaged in such a discussion should have taken it elsewhere and not have conducted it in front of the patient. At one point a well-meaning practitioner said, "His mind may be active but his body may just be too tired". She was expressing her own beliefs, which share little in common with the beliefs of the man who is the subject of her commentary. In my opinion that discussion created interference with Dad's own healing abilities. I believe that Dad needed to have the resources of the hospital within an environment where he is at ease to rest and to recover in accordance with his natural healing processes, which cannot be measured against a time line expectation for "probable" patients.

The discussion was preventing Dad from having the peace needed to nurture his energy. When I was able to visit him privately, I read to him from a book on Gnostic Christianity, but the more St Andrews pushed to have Dad moved to the institution of their choice, the less it was possible to have peaceful moments for healing, and so the more valid became St Andrew's pronouncement that Dad is "declining"

I believed that Dad was sent to St Andrews for rehab and that given the proper conditions for healing, I believed he should not need to be there longer than a month. But all the tension created by manipulations to move Dad to where St Andrews wants him, and all the discussions about hypothetical situations and financing have presented obstacles to the healing process. During this whole process I have not been able to engage any of those so adamant to move my father to the Gregory Wing, in a conversation about how we can take care of him in his own home with the help of home health care. The internment of my father in the Gregory wing was pushed through without regard to his family, his life work, and in my opinion, to the detriment of my father's recovery process.
Note since I have posted this I found out that there is a veterans program that will cover the expenses of the Gregory Wing for six months, It was not discussed if it would also cover the expenses of Home Care, but at least this will relieve a great deal of pressure for my father and my family and give us some breathing room to explore all of our options

My visit with Dad was peaceful and pleasant. He was informed by St Andrews that he is no longer covered by Medicare, which is what happens if he does not pass the benchmark tests,

After that he received physical therapy form real professionals who had him standing up. Before he lost his Medicare his physical therapists were nurses who didn't really know what they were doing.

How Weston came to be interned in the Gregory Wing

Dad, Weston has been in the hospital since January 04, 2008. He was at Miles Hospital in Damariscotta, Maine where they expected him to die. He didn't.
He was moved to Maine Medical Hospital in Portland. When he arrived the doctors told us there were a number of organ failures and considering his age, they gave him a one in five chance to survive.

And we said, Dad has a strong will so he will probably be one of the five, and he was. Every day he is getting better and better. I saw him when he had first regained consciousness. He was mad because he was in the hospital. They had shaved off his hair and his beard and he told us that he looked like a bald elephant. He said he wanted to go home and that he was going to die in the hospital, and so the doctors met with us in his room and explained his condition. The explanation was thorough and scientific. They were most concerned that he had not yet passed the swallow test. Afterwards Dad said it was less worrisome now, and added that he grew up on a farm and they did things very scientifically. The next day he swallowed. Now he is drinking water, and with each day he gets better and better.

The diagnosis is celiac disease, which is intolerance to glutin. Dad had all but lost his appetite gradually since summer. We tried to get him an appointment with a doctor who deals in the gastointestinal tract, but first we had to wait two weeks to get an appointment with his primary physician so that he could make a referral, and then the referral was three weeks later. I said "But he isn't eating", but it was only when he lost fifteen pounds in two weeks that the doctor’s office sent him to the emergency room at Miles. (He had been resisting going there on our suggestion). The primary cause of his ailments was starvation

He was moved less than two weeks ago to St Andrews Hospital. When he arrived he was on a diet of completely blended food and now he is eating vegetables and more solid food and it seems to us that there is great improvement in his ability to eat and digest food. However the hospital, since he arrived has described his condition as "declining". From what we can tell the measure of the decline is that he does not yet have strength in his legs and he is weak.

They give Dad oxycotine, synthetic opium and then he experienced altered states of consciousness, and so the medical professionals again described Dad as “declining”.

I saw Dad last week when the oxycotine had worn off and his mind was very clear and his mental state calm and acutely aware of his situation. He realized that it was important to stay at St Andrews as long as possible where he is still covered by Medicare for another three or four months and after that by AARP. However his ability to remain at St Andrews is dependent on the rating that St Andrews gives to his progress, which the medical staff at St Andrews persistently describes as "declining". It seems to me that when Miles Hospital and Maine Medical Hospital expected Dad to die, it was also a "declining" prognosis. When he lived his heart surgeon called it a miracle, and said that only one in one hundred would have survived - but miracles don't register on the medical institution’s system of measurement.

Because of the "declining" rating, St Andrews is pushing Dad to move into the Gregory Wing, which is not covered by insurance and is so expensive that it could wipe out the value of our property and our business over the course of the year. They tell him that there is a room available at the Gregory Wing but that he must make a decision on a very short-term basis. They want him to sign up for Maine Care, which may give the medical institution, rights to our property when Dad dies. We are not clear on that yet because myself and my sister Elise have been living with our father for a number of years and taking care of him. But there is not enough time to clarify anything as the medical establishment is requiring an immediate decision and threatening that there may not be a place available at a later date.

It creates a condition of high anxiety for everyone. One sister, will only consider the Gregory Wing. She has the medical power of attorney. After an anxious weekend trying to come to terms with the decision that the medical institutions are forcing upon Dad, the medical institution again gives Dad another “declining” rating.

I couldn't sleep last night so I wrote down all my thoughts and I wanted to read them to my father, at a quiet moment. In the morning my sisters went to visit dad, leaving my older sister's car in the driveway and taking our vehicle. I called the hospital and learned that my sisters were all in a meeting with the social worker who is trying to push Dad into the Gregory Wing. Since they took our car, I do not have transportation to get there. I called my father on the phone and spoke to him and he again seemed quite clear that he does not want to go to the Gregory Wing. He told me that he told my sister so.

When my sisters return I learn that the decision has been made without my having an opportunity to express my own thoughts. The papers are signed for Dad's internment in the Gregory Wing.

I say I am going over to read Dad the thoughts I had composed the night before. My sister, who has eyes only for the Gregory Wing, tells me I should stay and let Dad rest. I go anyway but my sister has left ahead of me and is waiting in the parking lot. She claims there is a "meeting" and I see a herd of hospital administrators in the hallway, waiting to do my sister's bidding to prevent me from reading my thoughts to my father. This makes me very upset, and I am angry with the administrators who have just arranged to have my father interned in the Gregory Wing.

I go into my father's room and I start to read to my father the thoughts I had composed the night before. My sister with her staff of agents follows me in.

I read the third paragraph, which says:

"However it is not clear if the S300.00 a day at the Gregory wing includes all costs or that it represents only the cost for therapy and that there will be other costs added on that could conceivably make the Gregory Wing more expensive than 24 hour home care. The total anticipated cost of the Gregory Wing needs to be clarified"

The social service agent who has just succeeded in getting my father to sign up for The Gregory Wing, interrupts and says "Susan, do think this is helping"

Well yes, Of course I do, that's why I composed it, and I would certainly like to know the answer to that question, but my sister with her staff of agents prevents me from any further reading to my father. I am very upset by the whole experience and am not appropriately under emotional control as one is expected to be when one's whole life has just been taken out from under, and one's father has just been interned in an institution whose only mindset seems to be that he is "declining".

So the hospital administrator staff sends a police man over to check on me who quite understood about why I might be upset. The St Andrews staff then proceeds to pass phone calls to my father to the social service worker, with whom I have no interest in talking. They are essentially blocking me from having access to my own father.

Elise went to the hospital and called me from there and so I was able to speak to Dad. Dad believes he can recover. I believe he can recover, but the hospital believes he is declining. I would prefer for him to be home where his life is around him rather than in an institution that seems to have a measuring set-up that measures only “decline”.

I was told that it was a done deal, but now I am hearing that maybe it isn't . Perhaps my very bad and very inappropriate behavior is having an effect. My father insists that I will be heard. I am expecting that they will use the fact that I became upset by the manipulative events leading to dad's internment in the Gregory Wing as a reason why Dad should not recover at home in an environment where there is a belief that he still has yet another ten or twenty years of a wonderful life ahead of him.

Afternote:

As it turns out, there actually was a meeting schedualed, to which my sister had referred, but as is often the case, I was not informed about it, and since the results of the "spontaneous" meeting of the morning, were so decisive, it confused everyone on the matter of another schedualed meeting and no one showed except the sister who is convinced that the Gregory Wing is the only viable option. Everyone was anticipating that there would be time to express our concerns, before finalizing anything.

Elise talked to one of the doctors at Andrews Hospital. He said the exercises that the therapists were giving him would not produce results and showed Dad exercises that should be effective. The purpose of the exercises is to help Dad to develop the physical strength so that he can pass the benchmark test that would allow him to continue with therapy covered by his insurance.

Common sense might expect that a patient who has been starving for nutrients, would be given a benchmark test of the progress made in his eating and digestive functions, rather than a benchmark test for progress in physical strength. Until eating and digestive functions are stablized, it seems quite unreasonable to be pushing the patient to pass physical strenght tests. Despite the pronouncements repeatedly made at St Andrews Health Care, I am confident that my father has the capacity to regain his stregth. I have, in fact, wittnessed Dad lift himself up with his own strength and sit on the edge of the bed with his feet over the side. My father himself has expressed his conviction that he can regain his strength.

We can appeal the results of the benchmark tests and bring in an outside evaluater, which we will certainly do. In the meantime the treatment that St Andrews health care is putting my father through is extremely stressfull and disruptive for our entire family. If we visit our father, we end up having to discuss this distressfull circumstance rather than having a peaceful and beneficial visit. I am too upset with the whole system, at this point, to even attempt to visit my father. I am afraid it would be upsetting to both of us. In my opinion a healing facility would have allowed my father some time before forcing a stressful decision upon him. A healing facility would have factored in that my father has only just emerged from a near death experience and that he passed many benchmarks of recovery at Maine Medical Hospital, where the staff was often genuinely excited by the recovery that Dad made. There is no such enthusiasm at St Andrews, where I have never heard any other comment than to describe my father as "in decline".

When I see the way that the current benchmark tests are calculated, I have to wonder if there will have similar benchmark tests at the Gregory Wing that will determine whether or not my father can return to his own home.

I am feeling too upset to visit dad and called him to tell him I love him but I am waiting to visit util I feel balanced. However when I asked for the room, I was told they would give me the nurses station and I hung up. It has allways beenthe case that if I asked to speak with my father i was put through to my father and not the nurse's station.

I have been living with my father for fifteen years now and probably know him better than anyone. I do not believe that he had the strong will to live through very painful surgery just so that he could spend the rest of his life in a cold institution surrounded by strangers and separated from his family and his life. Since he has allways had a lot of anxiety and been concerned about his family's well fare, if we cannot establish that our home and business are protected against claims from the Gregory Wing, I believe that such knowledge would seriously affect my father's will to live. I do not think very highly of St Andrews as a health care or rehab choice.

Afternote 2. After forcing the decision upon my father, based on the storyline that rooms rarely become available and there is a line waiting for every room, St Andrews Hospital has arranged for our father to be interned in the Gregory Wing. They have also managed to gain control over Dad's social security check, which is needed to pay for mortgage payments, oil and electricity and other property maintainance costs on my father's property. This is the slowest time of year and with St Andrews taking our father's social security check, I have no idea where we will get the money to cover maintainance costs on my father's property or his life insurance policy. or his credit card payments, or his Arrp insurance payments (not accepted by the Gregory Wing).(Note-I found out later that it is Medicaid that is claiming Dad's social securuty checks. I usually manage Dad's banking for him but since I was not consulted, it seems that the application did not account for all the expenses that Dad has to cover, which I assume would be part of the application)

This morning in the Post Office I met a neighbor who asked me how my father is and I told him the story of our problems with St Andrews Hospital and the way in which it appears that the benchmark test results are being manipulated to get the results that allow St Andrews to intern my father in the Gregory Wing. The neighbor laughed and said "Oh they just want to fill all those empty rooms". When I told him that St Andrews had told us that we had to decide on a dime or lose the opportunity, he just layghed again and implicated that St Andrews is scamming us.